D is for Death

And there’s more than one way to die.

I’d say we die thousands of little deaths (and I’m not talking about orgasms thank you kindly) in the form of betrayals, trauma and lost battles. Those deaths, like all deaths, change us. They can break us open or close us up, soften us or sharpen our edges to brittle razors.

Some deaths you recover from quickly and others force you to descend and hold you down there until you actively work to raise yourself up. And some of them are just fucking complicated and follow you around like the smell of an old corpse’s burst guts. I died a complicated death. I paid, I descended and I rose changed, but the fucker that caused it stench follows me like the corpse gut smell.

I’m tired of it.

I’m soon to be, among other things, doing some release work. I’ve talked about this before in a post about unhooking yourself from others. In this case it’s significantly harder than before as we’re dealing with someone who I had sexual relations with, had a very close bond with and who betrayed me utterly. My anger and distress have tied me to this person tighter than I was to start with in many ways and left me chained to them. A slave of my own pain. It’s emotionally fraught work and it signifies a death in and of itself.

Bound – AshtonSunseri

Work like this isn’t easy. You deliberately put yourself through hell in order to heal. It’s a deliberate, carefully considered, self inflicted trauma that I know will drag me back into the underworld.

How to deal with these kinds of works?

It would be easy to dismiss this as underworld work and arm yourself, or advise arming yourself, accordingly. However this is a little different. I’m not going seeking the underworld and my allies that could help me there will have no power to assist me in this. There’s no real way to know where I’ll end up or how long the paths will take to navigate. There is no ferryman to pay, or gates to discard or collect objects from, nor guardians and deities to bribe  *ahem* I mean honour and pay.

In this case your best weapons aren’t on that side. They’re on this side of the veil. Make time for this, make time to scream and weep. Make sure you have someone and somewhere to hide in while you hurt. Make sure you can avoid the person you’re letting go of.

Make sure there’s no unfinished business. If you’re letting go of someone who has seriously harmed you and you have rage then curse the fucker and his blood lines for the next 30 generations or be more constructive and release your anger in rituals… whatever it takes, get it done before you try to untie yourself or you’re leaving yourself open to reattach to them.

And, mostly, make sure you’re ready. It’s been over 12 months since I cut ties with the person I’m unhitching, and it’s time to. I’m ready to be completely done. I no longer feel the need to try and fix things any more than I need to kill him – not that I wouldn’t maim him if I could, but I don’t want to seek him out to hurt him. He’s simply an old festering wound and releasing him is going to cauterize that so I can heal completely and move on. If you’re not ready you’ll be lengthening the process, because as much as you want it done it’s not in your heart and mind and you’ll be fighting an uphill battle to let it go.

This isn’t small work, no matter what method you use to achieve it. This is work that tears and rends and destroys parts of you. It hurts. It’s emotionally fraught, if not physically. You, I, am deliberately seeking a death and it’s one of part of yourself that has been trapped.

Death is change, metamorphosis…

Death is often freedom.

 

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